Utterances of a Bohemian Heart

Draining me

2008-09-25T20:19:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had an experience that made you feel like it just drained the life right out of you?

It happened to me tonight as I volunteered with an organization that was in my area to help with hurricane disaster relief.

I have been there all week. I have seen the big tent filled with people being fed breakfast, lunch and dinner. I have seen the lines of cars being filled with ice, water, and MREs supplied by FEMA and various churches.

I was duly impressed by how great this organization was. I was ready to start a local chapter... until tonight.

A man and his wife walked in the door and said they needed shelter. They asked just to set up a tent on the lawn. They were told "no" but they could sleep under the open sided tent already set up. What a gift... a night sleeping with the mutant mosquitos stirred up by the hurricane. No effort was made to get them a place in a shelter. No offer to do anything to help them. No sooner than they walked out of the door they were forgotten by those they had asked for help.

But something happened... a pastor from a near by town came to the door. I let him in and questioned him to find out who he was and why he was there. At that same time the man walked up again, he wanted to go to the bathroom and brush his teeth. The pastor spoke to him and he explained his plight. The pastor got on the phone and began looking for shelters. He found one and he went and bought pillows and blankets for the man and his wife and then he drove them to a shelter in a nearby town.

One pastor, new to the area, showed more heart and made more of a difference in that man and his wife's life than the big organization that is so big and in your face.
It all looked so good and played so well on television, but where the shoe hits the pavement... the humanitarian organization failed.

Friendship

2008-06-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

What is true friendship?

Well, to me, it is the act of loving and accepting the person I have chosen to call friend, just the way she is. Loving our time together whenever it comes, not being resentful of time she spends with others, celebrating the successes of her life with her, just as I would expect her to celebrate the successes of mine. It means loving unconditionally and accepting her just the way she is.

That means, in spite of her faults, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies I choose to be her friend…just as I would hope and expect her to continue to unconditionally love me in spite of my faults, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies.

So, if my friend acts in a way, which is consistent with who I have always known her to be, is it right for me to get angry over it? After all, it is not her behavior that has changed; it is just that her behavior didn’t match up to my expectations of her in a certain situation.

So, who has failed the friendship?
Is it her, who has remained consistently who she has always been or is it me, the one who has changed my definition and expectation of what our relationship is suppose to be?

Is it ok that I place restrictions and demands on her? If she doesn't behave in just the way I want her her to then we cannot be friends anymore? Can I just change the rules of friendship without even informing her of the change in my expectations of her?

Did I fail the "unconditional love" part of the test of friendship? Or did I just fail to be a friend???

...

Generation Y

2008-05-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

Please read the blog by Yoani Sanchez

http://desdecuba.com/generaciony/

She is in Cuba and tells about the daily life she leads.

It is very eye-opening.

We have no right to complain.

We have it easy.

exhausted

2008-05-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is just exhausting... people drain me.

I just don't have the energy to deal today.

I just want to be able to opt out and not have to deal with other people's stuff.

I need summer.

I think that will help.

hopefully

His touch...

2008-05-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

So today as I walked out of the school it hit me.

I was amazed at how right everything seemed.

I love how God blesses us with His presence.

I love how awesome He is.

I feel so blessed.

No Man is an Island

2008-04-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

To continue the thoughts of yesterday.

We have to move through this life remembering that action and consequence are two sides of the same ball.

And we have to remember that our actions and the consequences of those actions always affect the lives of those who love us.

If I move away, it takes something away from the lives of those who love me.

If I hurt, those who love me hurt.

If I have joy in my life, that happiness infects the lives of those who love me.

If I have great success in my life, it gives a sense of well-being and pride to the lives of those who love me.

Our lives are intermingled.

We can add zest and spice to the lives of those who love us.

We can add strength.

We can add love.

So truly no man is an island.

Our lives are edged with the lives of others. They are our borders.

Together we are made stronger.

Together we can weather the storms.

To change or not to change...

2008-04-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

It is that age old question of to change or not to change... well; at least it is a variation of the age old question anyway.

I have a job. I am a teacher. I gripe about it everyday, but really it is a perfectly good job. The thing is that this other job that I thought I wanted has now become available. So I am faced with the dilemma of… do I go for it or sit tight where I am.

Don't tell me to make the pros and con list. I did that mentally a week ago. And yet, I still can't make the decision. Last week I decided to stay put. This week... I am thinking about going for it.

It would involve a move. But only about two hours away from home. I even have somewhere to live if I get the job. And yet… indecision persists.

Pros –
It is a job I have been hoping
It would be a better work environment, smaller classes, less students
It pays more than my current job
It has benefits; it is a social security paying school
Living in my lake house

Cons –
Leaving my home to live in the lake house ( yeah, that is a pro and a con)
Not being close to doctors, dentist etc
Losing my seniority on the job
Losing my job security by being on a probationary contract for two years
Uprooting my dogs to a house without a pet door and fenced in yard
And the worst thing - leaving my elderly parents behind, and being two hours away from them.
Not being to drive 5 minutes to pop-in and see my parents on a daily basis.
Not being available in the middle of the night to help my mom if my dad needs to go to the hospital.
Not being close enough to the hospital to go visit them everyday after work.
Not being available to the ones I love most in the world.

Well, I guess it is settled because now that I look at the list all of the things on the PROS list are really selfish things. And the things on the CONS list are the things that matter most… my family.

So I will not change. Change is not always good.

cars

2008-04-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today I am all about cars...

Have you ever passed up the deal of a lifetime and then a few weeks later your car (which you decided you liked too much to get rid of) leaves you on the side of the road, a long way from home? Yeah, so that is exactly what happened to me.

My friend decided to buy a Navigator and wanted to sell her 2 year old car at half price. It had low milage and was in mint condition, not even a footprint on the carpet. I thought about it, and then decided I liked my car too much to part with it.

I took off on a road trip, enjoyed a lovely 4 day vacation, but when I left town to head home, I left without my car. (Thank goodness there was a car rental open on Sunday)

So, now, they have called me to come and get it. I don't want to go. I am like the betrayed girlfriend... I don't ever want to see that loser again.

Good Friday

2008-03-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

On this day I woke up and treated it like any other day. One difference was the annoyance that my bank was closed.

But then, after I got home from town, I sat still for a minute and I realized today is Good Friday, not some bank holiday, but the day when Jesus began His journey to Golgatha.

What an amazing thing He did. Oh, the torture and abuse that He suffered for you and me so that we could be forgiven for our sins. He went to the cross and paid the debt that we are incapable of paying so that we could be with Him in eternity.

And yet for most of us, as we go through this day, we think only of it as another holiday. A day off work, a day to shop, a day to think only of ourselves...

Lord forgive us, yet again, for taking for granted what You did for us so many years ago.

Reunited at last

2008-03-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

When I started learning Spanish I was introduced to a woman from Mexico who was taking classes to get her citizenship. We became instant friends and have maintained our friendship ever since.

She had a son, but her ex-husband took their boy and hid with him in Mexico. For months prior to the kidnapping her mother-in-law told the boy things like: don't eat your mother's food; she will poison you or don't sleep at your mother's house; she will pluck your eyes out while your are sleeping. She had him afraid of his own mother. So when they took him away they justified it as rescuing him from the witch.

She tried to find her son, but was unable to do so for many years. He lived with his father's mother. The brain-washing witch.

After 16 years of heart break, she found her son and they have been emailing and talking on the phone for a month. He spent this weekend with her. He was 5 years old the last time she saw him and he is almost 21 now.

She has kept a diary ever since his dad took him. So Saturday night, her son read about everything that has happened from the moment he was stolen from her.

He realizes how his father and grandmother have lied to him about his mom and he wants to get to know her, to put the past behind them, and to go forward.

He looks like his dad, only taller, but he has his mother's personality. And he told his mom that he and his dad clashed a lot. He was probably a daily reminder of his mom, since he is so much like her.

My friend is so happy. Her sufferings have been washed away by the great joy of this reunion. She has forgiven those who robbed her of her son.

She is a bigger person than I am.

Spring Break

2008-03-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

I think this is the first time in a long time that I don't have plans for Spring Break. I am at a loss as to what to do and where to go. I 'm feeling incredibly indecisive. Any suggestions? The beach... the lake.... stay home and get some work done (yuk). I don't know. It is day 1 and decisions must be made. I think I will start this great vacation with a trip to... Walmart or Walmarts as the old folks say. LOL It just makes me smile to even write Walmarts.

Well, anyway, I hope your Spring Break is a good one. Be safe, but have fun!

Injustice

2008-03-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Doesn't injustice just drive you crazy? It makes me feel like I could breath flames.

Ok, so here is the story. I teach at a local High School. We have several exchange students from South America. One exchange student (I'll call him Boy A) is in my class and he is living with the family of another boy (Boy B) who is also in my class. So what happened is this...

Last Monday Boy B decided that he and 9 other students (friends & girlfriends) would skip school and stay home and play video games.

Boy A also stayed home, in bed, and slept all day, while they all played video games. The other students all said this was the case.

They all had parents call in to the school and lie for them so their absences would be excused.

Boy A, the exchange student, did not have anyone to call him in, so, he got 2 days of In School Suspension, which means he will spend 2 days sitting in a cubby hole painted black, in isolation, on a short stool. He will not be allowed to talk to anyone or see anyone else.

The video playing skippers got off scott free. No reprimand, no punishment, smelling like roses.

Oh, but no worries, there will be other students in the room with the exchange student, in other cubby holes. You know the type...students like the boy who sexually harrassed 4 teachers. The boy who was caught in possession of drugs. The boy who peed in a gator aide bottle while on the school bus. Yeah, you know the type.

And there will a supervising teacher in the room... to insure complete silence.

It is so unfair to treat a visitor to our country in this manner. He is a decent boy. In his country, students are not giving ISS for missing school. It is a matter of choice.

I am powerless to help.

I am angry.

Perfectly Imperfect

2008-03-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am extremely OCD. I am not medicated for it but everyone who knows me... knows it is the truth. I used to say I was a perfectionist but as I got older I realized that being a perfectionist, was just a cover up for being OCD.
I read once that if you recognize the symptom, then you are half-way through to overcoming it. What they didn't say in the book was that there is always another obsession just waiting to take the place of the one you just overcame.
Right after I read the book, I overcame some really bothersome obsessions. I thought, "wow, I am not OCD anymore" but after a few weeks I realized.. I had acquired a whole new obsession.
It is very frustrating to say the least. I don't want to obsess over these little details of life, but something within me compels me and it has to be just that way or I can't live with it.
The lamp has to sit on the back of the table, near the wall. It cannot sit in the center of the table.
The pictures on the wall have to be geometrically, perfectly aligned. No random, or abstract arrangements can be tolerated.
Everything has to be done just so, or I come unglued.
I don't sew because I can't do it well enough to suit myself. It's okay if the person who sews for me isn't perfect... but if I do it... it has to be perfect.
It's a real pain in the butt.
I cannot handle incompetence.
Most of the time, I just can't handle...
me.

Blink

2008-03-07T13:23:00.000-08:00

I read a book yesterday called, "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" which is the story of the editor-in-chief of French Elle magazine, Jean Dominique Bauby. Well, he was the editor until 1995, when at 43 years of age, he had a massive stroke. At that time he became a person classified as having "locked-in syndrome," which is possibly the worst thing imaginable for a person to have. The only part of his body that he could move was his left eye. He wrote this book by blinking when his typist got to the letter he wanted. For example: she would say E...S...A... saying the letters of the alphabet, not in the order we learned them, ABC..., but rather in an order determined by their frequency of use in the French language. When she said the letter he wanted, he would blink and she would write it down. Can you imagine how long it took for him to write a 132 page book?
It gives the word Blink, a whole new meaning.
It is worth reading. It is worth changing the way you look at life. It is worth changing the way you live your life.

Yearning for the Sea

2008-02-16T06:51:00.000-08:00

J. D. McClatchy once said, "We originally came form the sea, and that, in part, explains our fascination with it and our longing to return there".

I am more inclined to believe that it is the enormity of it and our inability to conquer it, which fascinates all of mankind. Within its depths, it holds great mysteries, which have borne legends and lore.

Great writers have struggled to describe its unpredictability and ferocity.

Mariners have told of might sea monsters that dwell in the depths, which ravage those who dare to traverse the vast of expanse of their domain.

Stories are told of Phantom Ships that sail the horizon, having been drawn to their demise by some unknown forces.

But for the majority of us, we merely long for the incredible peace that we experience at the smell of salty air, cool ocean breezes blowing across our faces, soft sand beneath our feet, seagulls gliding above our heads and the indescribable sounds of waves washing ashore.

It is in that moment that I feel a sense of belonging; a sense of well-being. I long for time to stand still and let that perfect moment last forever...
- - - -the sea and me
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -just let us be.

The Sky is Falling!

2008-02-16T06:22:00.001-08:00

I heard on the news last night that a spy satellite, the size of a bus, has malfunctioned and is falling to the earth.

The military plans on shooting it out of the sky with a missile before it enters the atmosphere. They are going to try to hit the fuel tank. They are concerned about the toxic fuel returning to earth. They say pieces will fall to the earth and could kill people.

Note: they have not said what part of the earth will receive this great fallout. I bet they won't be in the vicinity.

So a word of advice to all. Watch the sky, Chicken Little, because the sky really is falling.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-16T06:21:00.001-08:00

Valentine's Day

Another day to wistfully hope that someone will express love toward us and fill the inner longing that we all have to be loved.

The sad thing about it is that there is no gift on earth that can meet that need. The only way to meet that need is to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are and how you are.

Tough job!

We seem to only see our own faults and weaknesses. We don’t see the good that exists in each of us. We don’t acknowledge our successes. We don’t see how loved we are by our friends and family. We just focus on the negatives.

And yet there is so much good within us. We are kind and considerate to others, give generously, make others laugh and have an abundance of wisdom to impart upon willing ears, and a heart full of love to share.

We need only to love ourselves and to see ourselves with the same compassion and mercy that we view others that we love.

So my Valentine wish to you today is that you will: be happy cherish who you are be merciful and kind to yourself realize what a gift you are to those who love you and love yourself just the way you are, for all that you are.

Because those around you, who know and love you, think you are the greatest and your loved ones know that there is no gift on earth equal to what you deserve. You deserve the best.

So may you have in your life an abundance of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Galatians 5:22

Happy Valentine’s Day

Friends

2008-02-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought about just how empty a day is without a friend to share it with?

Recently, I have seen friendship change someone, who was living in a cocoon, into a beautiful butterfly. It was amazing to watch the transformation.

I never realized just how big a role our friends play in our lives.
They love us unconditionally. They support us through the hard times. They encourage us when we are down. They tell us the truth when we are deceiving ourselves. They laugh at our silly jokes. They let us cry on their shoulders. They come over if we call and say we need them. They make us chicken soup when we are sick. They tell us when our guy is a jerk. And sometimes they tell us when we are being a jerk.

We should always remember to treasure our friends and to never take them for granted because without them... well........ I hate to think.

Kissing Frogs

2008-02-16T05:51:00.000-08:00

We begin our lives in the Fairy Tale.

When we are little girls people tell us that "someday your Prince will come."

And as a result of this blessing having been pronounced over us, some of us spend the rest of our lives hanging around, kissing frogs. And maybe, just maybe, some girls will kiss a frog and turn him into a Prince, but for some, it is just a lifetime of froggy slobber.

How can a girl break free? Free from dreaming of the fairy-tale-come-true-life that we are going to live...someday. ... or are we better off living with the dream?

I heard an older woman say one day that she didn't have a dream anymore. How depressing is that?

I cannot imagine living without a dream. It is what gets me through each day. It is what helps me go into each tomorrow with anticipation. It is what keeps me moving forward. It is a motivator, an encourager, a friend and I for one believe in dreaming. I believe in Dreaming Big.

So, just for the record, if you happen to go looking for me, you will find me down at the frog pond... where people still believe in kissing frogs.